I applied for the position of head girl. All it took was an application letter. I was then shortlisted from 17 other girls to a list of 8.
Then the manifesto.
Next came the interview, the panel: head girl, head body, headteacher, deputy headteacher.
Then the husting.
I tripped up. I really did. I started talking about fluffy socks and goats. WHY RACHEL??? It was so humiliating, I still cringe at the thought. I love public speaking but not on the spot. My manifesto was kind of cool, I got quotes from my friends about me…maybe had a goat in the corner? My photo was actually cropped to cut out the glass of prosecco.
I’ve applied for so many positions over the year. I just want to be involved. I set myself up for that rejection, I wanted to build up my tolerance to rejection and to take a chance. “What if I fall? Oh but my darling what if you fly?”.
Following my rejected head girl application, I wasn’t even on the Senior Student Leadership Team, I’m too quirky apparently and I need a thicker skin. Not happening!! I applied elsewhere with my knocked confidence.
I applied for the position of house captain. In the interview, I was asked to present myself and again I tripped up and started talking about yoga. WHY RACHEL???
One more interview to go. I was off sick for three days, I blame the charcoal latte I had at the weekend. I woke up and emailed my teacher saying I wasn’t going to be in. I slept till noon. She responded by expressing it was a shame.
I cried. I lost my chance. Mum pulled me together and drove me for 40mins for a 10min interview while I was desperately trying to a) not throw up and b) not pass out. I felt awful, I can’t even tell you.
The interview: lead subject teacher, the lead of faculty and the existing lead ambassador. They first asked me why I was applying for this position. Something stirred in me. It just clicked. Physically I was so ill. So desperate to rest. My mind had other ideas. The passion I held beamed out of me, answering every question with raw honesty battling my illness. I knew exactly why.
We all got the ambassador results. All the white pages laid out in lines dictating our successes and losses. I reached for mine, so desperate for answers I couldn’t read. My best friend looked over my shoulder, “THERE!!!”.
Lead Psychology Ambassador.
In my head, and how I like to see it. I tripped up on everything, didn’t I? Every interview. I was perfectly qualified and experienced but I always tripped up. I was so ill for the psychology interview but I smashed it. I think I tripped myself up on everything I didn’t want until there was something that I wanted. Not my “grammar school self”, just me.
I took the badge and ran to find my friend. I think if she hugged me any tighter I would have been crushed a little. I did it. No position could have fit any better. I know in the real world this badge means nothing. But its a nudge in the direction I want to go.
Happily ever after?
I think so